Updates from the Vatican spokesbot

The pope will alter both her sex and gender again to have a child with her second consort. There will be a photo opportunity after tomorrow’s sermon: “Moral Law: Eternal, Universal, and Unchanging.”

Liran tourist pleads guilty to drunkenly landing their spaceship on top of a basilica.

New holonet courses are now available in experimental theology. Experience with applied psychedelics and eschatological psychopharmaceuticals recommended.

The Congregatio pro Gentium Evangelizatione has announced changes to missionary training clarifying that Galatians 2:28 does not imply that only nonbinary or genderfluid individuals are ontologically capable of imaging the savior and being ordained.

Vatican officials announced the charity auction of cybernetic implants that once belonged to St. Chim of Dundas VI. Properly accredited buyers can bid on the relics next month.

We remind the faithful that moderate social media fasting unlocks double indulgence points when Lent coincides with social distancing.

Also, when breaking a dietary fast, eat chocolate bunnies headfirst! Don’t @ me!!! Moral Law: Eternal, Universal, and Unchanging.

Mark Sabalauskas is the Indie Groundbreaker Award-nominated designer of Return to the Stars.

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